"I wish...I wish you could feel the... complexity...the confusion...I feel. That you could understand," I whispered.

I reached up to gently move a strand of her hair away from her face. I remembered when Mike had done this, she seemed repulsed. Now, she was just as eager as I was.

"Tell me," she barely made a noise, it was mostly a wisp of a breath.

"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger - the thirst - that deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though," I grinned half heartily, "as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely. But..." I brought my fingers to her lips and watched her shiver under my touch, a shiver of pleasure, emphasizing my next words, "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

She responded quickly, "I may understand that better than you think."

Did she understand? There was no way she could understand my feelings, but maybe she did, maybe it is because it is so new to me that I think she wasn't feeling them too. Maybe this was something that was more human than vampire.

"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"

"For me?" she asked, but answered before I could tell her to continue, "No, never. Never before this."

I held her hands securely in mine, making sure that I was gentle; constantly afraid I would use too much force and break her.

"I don't know how to be close to you." I confessed, "I don't know if I can."

She took charge then, slowly moving her face closer to mine. She kept her eyes on mine until she couldn't see me anymore. She had placed her head against my chest now. I continued to breathe slowly.

"This is enough," she sighed.

Before I understood my own actions, desire reared up and took control. I wrapped my arms around her, enveloping her, making sure my grip was not too strong, but was secure enough to show her that she could count on me to protect her. I brought my face to her hair and took in a large breath or her heady scent. Thirst broke free then, but the two creatures, hunger and desire fought, and desire won.

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she noted.

"I have human instincts - they may be buried deep, but they're there." I explained to her.

My desire was refusing to let her go, and she didn't struggle against my tender grasp. After several long, but not long enough, moments, she sighed. I looked to the forest and realized the sun slanted at a different angle.

"You have to go," I told her.

"I thought you couldn't read my mind," she mocked.

"It's getting clearer," I responded playfully, my lips turning up.

I released her, only to grasp her shoulders, "Can I show you something?" I asked.

I wanted her to understand me more, and one way to do that was to show her exactly how I travel.

"I'll show you how I travel in the forest."

She looked apprehensive, "Don't worry, you'll be safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I grinned widely and I heard her heart skip a beat.

She looked at me then, a smile in her voice, "Will you turn into a bat?" she asked.

I laughed so loud that I was sure it could have been heard for some distance.

"Like I haven't heard that one before!" I scoffed.

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time," she replied, still playful.

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back." I suppressed a laugh.

Her eyes became wide and she hesitated. I became impatient and grabbed for her, making sure I was gentle. Her heart beat speed up and I could smell her pulse hammering. I placed her on my back and she engulfed me. He body wrapped around me and I could feel the heat emitting from her. She embraced me fiercely.

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," she cautioned.

She was light as a feather to me, almost like she wasn't there, but she was, because I could feel her warmth and her beating pulse.

"Hah!" I rolled my eyes then.

This day had turned out better than I have ever believed imaginable. I hadn't hurt her, or killed her, instead her scent was becoming less sensitive and I had been able to let my desires take control and I held her in my arms, I caressed her face and brought my mouth so close to the base of her neck without biting. I grabbed her hand that was wrapped tightly around my neck and pressed her palm into my nose, inhaling as deeply as possible. The ache burned in my throat. I was still thirsting for her blood, but desire bounded up and out my mouth, "Easier all the time."

I took off through the forest.

16. Desire

I was flowing through the forest effortlessly. Running like this was something that I did on a daily basis. Even after all these years, it was still invigorating. The velocity I was moving at felt freeing, as the air moved rapidly past me. I was feeling boisterous. To a human, moving this fast would be inconceivable; it was without effort that I moved over rocks, trees, and the slippery forest floor.

Bella was still securely entwined on my back, warming my cold skin. The wind whipped her scent behind me, but her arms were around my neck and so I was able to continue to breathe in her warm aroma. I was wondering what her thoughts were in these moments. All I could think about is how I was able to hold her, clutch her to my chest, and not harm her when we were in the meadow. How her scent enticed my hungry desires to bring her warm lips to mine. Maybe I could? If I were to use just the right amount of pressure, I wouldn't harm her. It had taken us hours to reach the meadow going at Bella's pace, and within minutes we were at the road, next to her truck.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I asked, elated.

She didn't move or say anything. Her grip was just as secure as if I were still running. I waited. Still, she didn't even make a sound, though I knew she was alive, I could feel her pulse and smell her breath. I waited another second, and still, nothing.

"Bella?" I asked, concerned now.

She finally spoke, though her voice sounded strained, "I think I need to lie down," she panted.

Instantly I was nervous. After the whole day in the meadow, did I finally make a mistake and not realize it? I was apologetic then, "Oh, sorry."

I stood there, still, waiting for her to release her grasp on me. Honestly, I didn't want her to, but my insatiable desire was instantly dissolved at my growing panic.

"I think I need help," she admitted.

I laughed under my breath, but it was because I was relieved, not because the situation was humorous. I placed my hands on her locked fingers and gently pulled them apart. I continued to hold on to her, and pulled her into my arms. I gazed into her eyes in that moment, never wanting to put her down. Her warmth, her smell, everything about her was begging me to feed; yet, I did not want to, my hungers were strictly about the love and adoration I felt for her. I thought about bringing my lips to hers in this moment, how she would inevitably wrap her arms around me once more, and embrace me back. Maybe this wasn't the best time though; she did seem a little faint. Slowly, not wanting to, but slowly, I lowered her to the ground, as gently as I could, like she was especially breakable; which she was. Now that she was no longer in my arms, I could concentrate on her well being without being distracted.

"How do you feel?" I asked, still anxious.

She looked like she couldn't focus, "Dizzy, I think."

From my years of medical schooling, I realized that she must have motion sickness. I didn't think of this before I made yet another mistake by throwing her on my back and running.

"Put your head between your knees." I insisted.

She obeyed, and lowered herself to the ground and gently placed her head between her knees, closing her eyes tightly. I moved closer to her, lowering myself to the ground, also. I sat beside her, thinking I might have damaged her. The thought sent sharp bristles of pain through my body. I stared at her for several minutes. She finally lifted her head, looking a little sick. Her eyes were still securely closed. She had the same expression on her face the day I found her practically laying on the ground, recovering from her dizzy spell after smelling blood in biology class.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I contemplated.

I thought back to the moment before we left the meadow. The thought of this hurting her never crossed my mind. I continued to stare at her, she was a little green, and her skin was beginning to lose all color.

"No, it was very interesting," she tried to sound affirmative. She couldn't fool me.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost - no, you're as white as me!" I exclaimed.

"I think I should have closed my eyes," she concluded.

"Remember that next time," I told her. Would there be a next time? Surely a dizzy spell would not prevent her from wrapping her arms and legs around me and enjoying a run would it?

"Next time!" she moaned.

I couldn't suppress a laugh at this point. The day had fared better than I could have expected, and even this wouldn't damper my mood.

"Show-off" she grumbled, though I know she wasn't really mad at me.

Her face was slowly beginning to gain back some of its color. Her eyes were still shut tightly; she was even straining to keep them that way. I couldn't hear what she was thinking, and one of the only ways to read her was to look into her deep soulful eyes, where I could usually decipher her thoughts. With them closed I had no outlet and I wanted to beg her to open them. I couldn't restrain myself, "Open your eyes, Bella," I whispered.

I had moved so I was only a few inches from her face now, breathing in her intoxicating scent. She opened her eyes then, and she looked stunned. She wasn't nervous though, I could read in her eyes that she was just as absorbed as I was by our closeness. Her eyes beckoned me to move closer.

"I was thinking, while I was running..." I hesitated.

Bella interrupted me, "About not hitting the trees, I hope."

"Silly Bella," I laughed, 'Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

"Show-off," she grumbled again.

I smiled, but glad she dropped it because I was instantly hungry for her.

"No," I whispered, "I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."

Slowly, I moved my hands to her face and held it securely in my palms. She stopped breathing then; worried I did something wrong, I hesitated, but she continued to stare at me with hunger in her eyes now. So many emotions raged through me at once, desire, passion, ecstasy, thirst. I began leaning closer to her, until our lips were only an inch apart. She closed her eyes. I paused when I could feel the electricity flowing between us already. Every centimeter I moved closer to her, a new emotion would flit through my body sending shivers of pleasure and pain down my frozen veins.

I was in control, I could feel it. I continued to lean in, until the very tips of my lips brushed lightly against her supple warm ones. I pressed a little harder to her lips until our lips were moving with each other, her sweet breath was enveloping me and her taste was like an explosion in my mouth, so much better than any blood I had ever tasted. I could hear her pulse hammering and feel her skin becoming warmer.

Our lips only parted for a second at a time, and each time she caught her breath. She was breathing heavily now. Suddenly, she gasped in pleasure and her arms came up around my neck. I embraced her back fiercely. She knotted her hands in my hair and pulled me closer. Her mouth was warm and inviting. She parted her lips breathing heavier. Her scent rushed through me and the monster inside me clawed up my throat.

I clenched my teeth and then I froze. She didn't let go, she continued to clutch herself to me. I didn't want to let go, I wanted to bring myself closer to her. I had never felt these feelings before. I couldn't let this continue, NO MISTAKES, I yelled at myself. My hands were still wrapped around her face, and I slowly, but forcefully, pushed Bella away. How could she have such a hold on me? She opened her eyes then, and she was breathing heavily.

"Oops," she said breathlessly.

"That's an understatement." I replied.

She was reading my face. I knew she could tell that I was feeling several different emotions. I refused to let her go, though. I didn't want to; I was fighting internally on whether I should kiss her again. My hungry desire was pounding through my body. Each electric shock made me want to clutch her closer. I would only have to move two inches to be back in her embrace.

"Should I...?" she asked, knowing I would understand her unasked question.

She tried to disentangle herself from me, but I wouldn't let her. Actually, I couldn't let her. I held her in place, refusing to let her go. I took in a few gulps of air and felt the fiery thirst burn my throat. I took in another breath and another. Each time it was getting easier to cage my thirst, with each breath my desire to kiss her grew.